Day One

Recently I had a falling out with my employment. Between declining business and an environment which I did not care for, I came to be laid off. While this would traditionally be problematic for anyone, I'm actually looking forward to having the opportunity to proceed on ideas of my own. This blog is one of those ideas, or rather a part of the big idea I'm trying to pursue.

I am tired of doing work for someone else on something I don't really care about. The larger part of this responsibility falls on me; I never decided what I wanted to be when I grew up. I still don't really know what I would like to "be", and because of this fact, I have traditionally thought of myself as one of those "work to live" sorts. That always made more sense to me; that I would give up some of my time to someone else to do what I wanted the rest of the time. I think I made a big mistake.

I come from a family full of "live to work" types, but no one matches up with my grandfather on that front. He is well into his 80's now, and he is in the office every morning by around 4:30. This is not something I mention because I find it admirable; his health and personal relationships suffer from his choices, but it certainly has set the tone for my experience of the working world. Like his father before him, my father regularly spends 80 hours a week working, and I can recall that being the case from a very young age. My conflict with the manifestation of their productive drives led me to believe that I did not want to be one of them. But I'm starting to think that I am.

What I saw in my father and grandfather was needless sacrifice. I think this is because my grandfather grew up a Romanian refugee in Germany. For him, financial security and personal security are intrinsically linked. And while he lacked the education to have expressed that to my father while he was growing up, he certainly took up the example. I don't even think my father knows why he spends so much time and effort on business. I think he's just trying to prove something to his dad, or to himself. At any rate, that's just speculation.

I don't want to be doing things for other people; I want to do them for myself. That doesn't mean not helping others, but rather that my motivation comes from my own desires. Where I'm at in my life right now, that means expressing my thoughts and opinions, and completing the vexing creative work (pending disaster) that is the novel I started about 6 year ago. But in all that, I have had a thought which brought me to the creation of this blog; what if what I made was my life?

Given the tools and access we have today, is it possible to simply share your experience of the world, your views of it, to shape creative thoughts into being, and make that your productive contribution to society?

It is perhaps arrogant of me to assume that I can do so. Moreover, I would not suggest that this is something that everyone can do, or should even try! It's a poorly defined thought in my own mind at this point, but even if it were perfectly crystallized, I still wouldn't suggest that anyone try to follow my example.

At any rate, I'll be using this blog to share my thoughts and experiences as I attempt to turn my labour from a sacrifice to someone else's end, into my own voice and my own path forward.

This is bound to be a disaster of epic proportion.